Positive Parenting Strategies - Dealing with Disobedience in Children

The disobedience child, where I like to call it a resilient child with a voice to be heard!

From time to time most children defy the wishes of their parents. This is a part of growing up and testing adult guidelines and expectations. It is one way for children to learn about and discover their own selves, express their individuality, and achieve a sense of autonomy. As they stretch their independent wings and engage in minor conflicts with their parents, they discover the boundaries of their parents' rules and of their own self-control.

Sometimes, however, these conflicts are more than occasionally big emotions and become a pattern for how parents and children interact. Disobedience can have a variety of causes. At times, it is due to unreasonable parental expectations. Or it might be related to the child's temperament, or to school problems, family stress, or conflicts between parents.

What parents can do

When your child is being over resilient and difficult, examine the possible sources of his inner turmoil and rebelliousness. If this has been a persistent pattern that has continued into middle childhood, closely evaluate your own family situation:

• How much respect do your family members show for one another?
• Do they respect one another's privacy, ideas, and personal values?
• How does the family work out its conflicts?
• Are disagreements resolved through rational discussion, or do people regularly argue or resort to violence?
• What is your usual style of relating to your child, and what forms does discipline usually take?
• Is there any formal form of emotional negative messaging being set?
• Inconsistency from your end when it comes to boundaries?
• Do you and your child have very different personalities and ways of getting along in the world that cause friction between you?
• Is your child having trouble succeeding at school or developing friendships?
• Is the family undergoing some especially stressful times?

 If your child has only recently started to demonstrate disrespect and disobedience, tell him that you have noticed a difference in his behavior and that you sense he is unhappy or struggling. With his help, try to determine the specific cause of his frustration or upset. This is the first step toward helping him change his behavior.

Your reaction matters

If you react to your child's talking back by exploding or losing your temper, he will respond with disobedience and disrespect. By contrast, he will become more obedient when you remain calm, cooperative, and consistent. He will learn to be respectful if you are respectful toward him and others in the family. If he becomes disobedient and out of control, start by teaching him how to regulate his big emotions by teaching him techniques.

When your child is obedient and respectful, compliment him for that behavior. Reward the behavior you are seeking, including cooperation and resolution of disagreements. These positive efforts will always be much more successful than punishment.

Here are some final tips on how to deal with a resilient child:

1. Use your authority and give an explanation. Save face-to-face interactions for sensitive issues.
2. Let them be accountable. If your child is repeatedly making the same mistake, it's time for a warning that clearly states expectations.
3. Keep consistent control over them by establishing routines and boundaries.
4. Be calm but firm in your approach, and avoid reacting impulsively or emotionally.
5. Empathize with them by acknowledging their feelings and perspectives.
6. Give them a reason that highlights the importance of their actions.
7. Reward them for positive behavior, and avoid using punishment as a primary means of discipline.
8. Offer them a choice when possible, as it can help them feel empowered and engaged in the decision-making process.

We recognize that families going through separation or divorce may face challenges with their children's behavior, and we are here to provide support. Canada Family Mediation offers practical mediation services to efficiently resolve all your family law issues, while prioritizing the well-being of your children and giving them a voice in the process in the form of a Voice of the Child Report. Additionally, we offer Parenting Courses to help you navigate day-to-day parenting challenges with confidence. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us for assistance. We're committed to helping you and your family during these difficult times. Book your Free Consultation Today!

Authored By:

Rose Morsh
RECE, Parenting Practitioner,
Family Mediator & Child Voice Practitioner